There is a curse on this town, It's being turned upside down, And I can tell when he's around to steal my sausages! None will be spared, You cannot be prepared, I've never been so scared of a worm! Olgoi Khorkhoi [repeated] The Death Worm of Mongolia. His teeth are bigger than me, He has a massive body, I can't sleep easily at night! Hide away from the blitz Of the venom that he spits, You'll be out of your wits with fear! [A:] I tried to exercise my powers as a man of the cloth, I tried to exorcise this fiend so that we'd be cleaned. [B:] There is no way to kill that beast, No way to keep him from his feast, I've tried so many years to make him deceased, Everything I do just seems to fail, Strangle poison or impale, I even made him spend the night in jail. [A & B together] We have lost all hope, We can no longer cope. Don't you wear yellow clothes, Or you'll end up disposed, Because everyone knows it's his favourite colour! Don't touch his skin with your hand, Because he has a poison gland, You won't be able to stand for a week! Olgoi Khorkhoi [repeated] The Death Worm of Mongolia. He will give you jolts Of ten thousand volts, And you'll have to waltz to the hospital! Don't forget He has poisonous sweat, Does he come from Tibet? NO! Does he play clarinet? NO! You'll be upset, You'll start to fret, You'll surely regret He's a major threat, No use calling a vet Because he's not a pet And he likes when it's wet after the rain!

You know about my strengths but I also have a weakness, Please don't be shocked on account of its uniqueness, Just as Superman has his kryptonite, I have a crystalline substance that drains me of my might, If you send me to Mongolia I'll be filled with melancholia, To make me go to Asia, I can't think of anything crazier. I dream of a world without sand, Join with me and take a stand, Brother, sister hand in hand, Against sand. Did I ever tell you, Professor Bodkin, why they call me 'Three Socks Roy'? Nobody calls you that. Well, seeing as you asked... I wear three pairs of socks so my feet aren't exposed, Because I simply cannot stand getting sand between my toes, I'm not scared of rocks so I really do not know, When sand's just tiny rocks, why does it scare me so? That's why I hate it on the dunes, I'd rather have a pint in Wetherspoons. I dream of a world without sand, Join with me and take a stand, Brother, sister hand in hand, Against sand. See, if I was in charge, things would be very different. I would fill up all the sandpits, All the sandpaper would have no rough bits, All the glassblowers would have to quit And get new jobs, jobs, jobs. All the sand from egg timers would be gone, All the beaches would just have pebbles on, In fact, scrap the beaches - we'll have none, And only cliffs, cliffs, cliffs. I know that such a thing could never be, And yet I can't help longing for a world that's sand-free. We will fight the beaches. We will fight the deserts. We will fight the sandpits. We will fight the fancy swimming pools where they put a bit of sand in to mimic a beach. We will even fight the artificial beaches that they put in city centres to evoke feelings of the seaside. Come on everybody! It's just you! Sing with me! No! I dream of a world without sand, Join with me and take a stand, Brother, sister hand in hand, Against sand.

Step one: You've gotta find a good hiding spot. How about here, behind this pot? Step two: You gotta stay out of sight. Well it's a good job we're doing this at night. Step three: You need a good telescope, Without one you have got no hope. Step four: Don't take your eyes off the ball. Sorry, I just have to take this call. Hello? Yes I'm free to talk. That's correct. I thought the service was excellent. Er... nine. No no no, ten! Shh! It's a stakeout! We're going on a stakeout, And there's a lot at stake on this stakeout, And when there's so much steak at stake on a steakout, Don't make a mistake. Step five: You cannot fall asleep. I didn't - I was just counting sheep. Step six: You gotta stay very quiet. Oh, there's something I should probably tell you about that. Ever since I was a little boy, I've done this thing that might annoy, I know that you might think it queer But I yodel when there's danger near. I yodel when there's danger near, Danger near... But it's alright at the moment. Wait a minute, did you just say yodel? Why are you only telling me this now? I thought it might be important. Well just try not to do that, O.K.? Okie dokie. Step seven: You need some snacks to munch. But I've just had a great big lunch. Step eight: You gotta listen out for everything. Oh no, I think I'm about to sing! [Yodeling solo] Shh! It's a stakeout! We're going on a stakeout, And there's a lot at stake on this stakeout, And when there's so much steak at stake on a steakout, Don't make a mistake. [Yodeling solo] SHUT UP! It's a stakeout! We're going on a stakeout, And there's a lot at stake on this stakeout, And when there's so much steak at stake on a steakout, Don't make a mistake. Step nine: Call for backup when danger's near. What do you mean? I'm the only police here.

If there's one thing that I know about this worm, He adores the colour yellow - this I can confirm, This fact should help you finally understand Why he spends so much time in the sand. Urgh, don't mention sand. So I've come up with this great new idea, Something to attract the worm and bring him here. Ta-dah! Erm... Say hello to yellow of every tint and shade, Every fellow loves this mellow pigment here displayed, Don't get flustered by this custard dazzling your eyes, We'll be mustered by this mustard and bring the worm's demise. So how long did all this take? "How long did all this take?" I hear you ask, Well let me tell you it was no easy task, I've collected all these objects from far and wide, From the jungle's deepest depths to the Mongolian seaside. You do know it's landlocked? You have no idea how long they took to find, Especially considering I'm colour blind. Well that explains a lot! Say hello to yellow of every tinge and hue, Cast your spell, oh limoncello, some paint and a rubber duck too, Catch that felon with this lemon and this jar of honey, He'll be smellin' this sweet melon - hey, why are you looking at me funny? I found some corn out on my lawn and bought this bargain butter, He'll be torn between this French horn and all this other yellow clutter, He'll have a thrill at this daffodil, don't forget this banana bunch, Flag of Brazil he'll think is brill, with a yellow pepper for him to munch. With shades of pale we will not fail, we'll do this town a good deed, With this colour chart and a courageous heart this plan is sure to succeed.

This Cumberland sausage will act as our bait, Which the worm tries to eat, thereby sealing his fate, As soon as he does it will pull on this string, Which via a pulley compresses a spring, Releasing the spring shoots a ball in the air Which will fly through the sky, ending up over there, Then when it comes down it will land in this pit, Thus triggering lasers in order to hit This assortment of mirrors to focus the beam, Which is aimed at a kettle to generate steam, The steam will ascend and condense on this pane, Setting off wipers attached to a chain, The chain swings across and collides with a gong, I don't see how any of this could go wrong, The gong will vibrate at five-sixty-one hertz, And via a megaphone quickly alerts A pigeon who flies off and carries a note To the vice-admiral of a torpedo boat, The admiral reads it and picks up the phone To relay the message to my Aunty Joan, Who after an hour sends an email to me, Then when I receive it I count down from three, And pick up the net that I keep by my bed To throw at the Death Worm right over his -

In every single tale that you have heard, There always must be someone to distain, The entire thing would seem quite absurd, If it wasn't for the villain with their diabolical brain, What, you don't take me at my word? Well let me find a better way to explain. Every hero needs a villain, every cop needs a robber, Every David needs Goliath to beat and to clobber, Every Zeus needs a Hades, every saint needs a sinner, Every angel needs a demon and every loser needs a winner. I'm the polar opposite to Professor Andrews And when he comes to face me he is bound to lose. But what would a villain be without an evil scheme? And let me tell you, as schemes go, mine is surely the evillest! I wanted to become the best at selling meat, But there was too much competition on my street, So I came up with a plan that was both devious and mean, To become the greatest butcher on the Gobi Desert scene. But there was no way I was going to get dirty hands, And besides I'm just no good at running on the sands, So I needed an assistant to help with my plan, To steal all of the sausages, the chicken breasts and lamb. Because at the end of the day... Every Batman needs a Joker, every Doctor needs a Dalek, Every Dracula needs Van Helsing chasing him with garlic, Every George needs a dragon, every Neo needs a Smith, Every Santa needs a Grinch and every Jedi needs a Sith. I'm the polar opposite to Professor Andrews, And when he comes to face me he is bound to lose. But anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. I was telling you about my evil plan. Now where was I? Oh yes. Then I met a lonely worm whose name was Olgoi, I saw my chance and brought him into my employ, I gave him a super charge to make him super large And taught him all the finer arts of stealing meat from butcher carts. Now I'm never short of the finest sirloin steak, I just write a list of things for the worm and he takes Everything I need, doing all my dirty deeds, Now I've brought my rivals down and I'm the greatest in the town. But now there is a man Who could destroy my precious plan, So I'm doing all I can By hitting him with my pan. THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT! HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEE!!! Every Gandalf needs a Sauron, Harry Potter: Voldemort, Every Bond needs a Blofeld whose plans he can thwart, Every Sherlock Holmes needs his Moriarty And Professor-Roy-Chapman-Andrews-But-You-Can-Call-Me-Roy-Chapman-Andrews needs me.

Hello, I'm Olgoi Khorkhoi And you look like a tasty boy, If it's all the same I would love to know your name. Er, Roy. Hello Roy! Well... We don't have much time to waste, I'd love to find out how you taste, It's been so nice to meet you But now I have to eat you! STOP! What is it Roy? Just eat him you fool! Wait! Before you do... Would you grant one final wish for me? I'd like to get to know you personally. Before you do your dreadful deed, Tell me about the life you lead. Can I do it in a song? Only if it isn't very long. Take it away boys! I had quite a normal childhood, Just living in a pile of wood, Then disaster struck and I became alone, Then this girl adopted me, Enhanced my body massively, And took me in, now I have a brand new home. So why does everybody treat me mean, Saying I'm the scariest thing they've ever seen? They call me the Mongolian Death Worm but they are so so wrong, My heart is as big as my body is long, The Mongolian Death Worm, the ultimate bad guy, But I'm trying to be good so I don't know why. To make people like me I shock them electrically, That's how Mummy taught me to be sweet, (That's so sad, that's so sad.) She showed me how to act with grace By spitting venom in their face And nicking off with all their finest meat. (What a tragic tale.) And still everybody treats me mean, (So mean.) In spite of how polite I have been. They call me the Mongolian Death Worm - that's what they think, But my soul is as pure as my body is pink, The Mongolian Death Worm, for what it's worth I just don't understand it 'cos I'm so down to earth. I just don't understand it 'cos I'm so down to -

They call me the Mongolian Death Worm and now I see why, 'Cos I have been deceived by one big lie, This girl who claimed to be my friend, she was my enemy, But now I shall have my revenge and eat her for my tea!

Dearly beloved, you have gathered with me To join man and worm in matrimony, But first let's sing a lovely melody, The hymn at number five-oh-three. All beasts long and venomous, All monsters great and tall, All beasts dumb and dangerous, The Witch Doctor made them all. Each worm that has mutated, Each sausage stealing thief, She made their slimy bodies, She made their massive teeth. All beasts long and venomous, All monsters great and tall, All beasts dumb and dangerous, The Witch Doctor made them all. And now for our first reader, who's known Olgoi since his birth, Will you all please welcome Mister William Wigglesworth. That was beautiful enough to make a camel weep. Thank you William Wigglesworth for that very moving reading. Now, on with the ceremony! This humble beast emerged from the sediment And found new love within another species, Now if anyone knows of any lawful impediment, Let him speak now or forever hold his peace. I object! I object! I object! Heeheeheeheeheee. Oh, sorry. She hasn't fully digested yet. Now, repeat after me. I take you (I take you), To be my lawfully wedded partner (to be my lawfully wedded partner), To have and to hold (to have and to hold), From this day forward (from this day forward), Whoa! (Whoa!) Squee-bn-dee-bn-dee-bap! (Squee-bn-dee-bn-dee-bap!) Am tiw tandin'! (Am tiw tandin'!) Barbie! Barbie! Barbie! Barbie! Wait, is this really part of the ceremony? Oh sorry, I just got a bit carried away! For better (for better), For worse (for worse), For richer (for richer), For poorer (for poorer), In sickness and in health (in sickness and in health), Till death do us part (till death do us part). Now Mister Sheriff, do you have the rings? Yes I'm sure they're here among my things. Ah yes here they are, and don't they look fine? You can tell that they're good by the way that they shine. Well, one of them anyway. I give you this ring as a sign of our love, With a bit of luck it will fit like a glove. Oh no, you know what I've gone and done? I've only gone and forgotten you don't have any hands! Oh I'm really sorry, this is so embarrassing. Tell you what, I can take it back to the store. I've got the receipt and they do this fourteen day returns policy. No no, it's alright. If I get some string I can wear it as a - what do you call them - a necklace. You know, it's no big deal. I give you this ringworm as a token Of our marriage that'll never be broken. It is the one you wanted isn't it? Well it's a bit unconventional Olgoi. Uncle who? Well normally people give each other metal rings, not fungal infections. But you said, "I want you to buy me a ring worm"! Never mind. I'll just keep it as a souvenir or something. Well that was weird! Anyway, now it's time for us to sign the register, and while we do here's a song from vocal harmony group 'New Worms In the Flock'. Take it away boys! A-one, a-two, a-one two three four! Shine little glow-worm, glimmer (glimmer), Shine little glow-worm, glimmer (glimmer), Lead us lest too far we wander, Love's sweet voice is calling yonder, Shine little glow-worm, glimmer (glimmer), Shine little glow-worm, glimmer (glimmer), Light the path below, above, And lead us on to love, Yes lead us on to love. With the powers invested in me I can confirm I now pronounce you man and worm, This ceremony has been filled with wonder, Now what God has joined let no man split asunder! You may now kiss the worm! Hallelujah! Amen! Hallelujah! Now sing it again! Hallelujah! Amen! Hallelujah! O.K. that's enough! A fear of sand was holding me back, Sub-par social etiquette was my Achilles heel, But now we've found each other, Isn't it the perfect happy ending? We called him the Mongolian Death Worm but that was so so mean, He's actually the nicest worm we've ever seen, The moral of the story to be instilled: Don't judge somebody based on how many people he's killed. Ah!